The last three weeks have been completely life changing, as in, I feel like a different person. With out going into to many details, here are some things I learned in the past few weeks. Some may seem obvious to you, but I had never really believed any of these before.
1. I am in charge of my own life.
2. I can fix the way I view myself and the world.
3. I have potential to be whatever the hell I want to be.
4. I am passionate about being in musical theater and want to pursue it more than anything else in the world.
5. My ideas and thoughts matter. And not only do they matter, but they matter more than anything else.
6. I can learn to love myself.
7. My religious beliefs are shaky at best.
The last one scares me. A lot. BUT the past few weeks have shown me that I am smart, thoughtful and capable of figuring stuff out for myself. And I am going to.
Today I started reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. In the preface, my position right now is described PERFECTLY. Religion is described as being a hallway. There are many doors in the hallway and they all represent different religions.
"The hall is a place to wait in, a place from which to try the various doors, not a place to live in... It is true that some people may find they have to wait in the hall for a considerable time, while others feel certain almost at once which door they must knock at. I do not know why there is the difference, but I am sure God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait. When you do get to your room you will find that the long wait has done you some kind of good which you would not have had otherwise. But you must regard it as waiting not as camping. You must keep on praying for light...and begin trying to obey the rules which are common to the whole house. And above all you must be asking which door is the true one; not which pleases you best..."
I know I believe in God (and I believe that God believes in Claude) and I am excited to really start digging deep and figuring stuff out for myself. I have never felt more spiritual than when I read the Chronicles of Narnia...so I figure C.S. Lewis is a good place to start. :)
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Ramblings...legit.
Today wasn't the best of days. I had a lot of pent up...something. Energy? Sexual Frustration? Lonliness? Yes. Probably. So, as soon as I heard the thunder outside and realized it was raining, I bolted out my backdoor and just started dancing. Full out, crazy dancing. It started with manic laughing and twirling, but eventually I was doing leaps, pirouettes (as well as you can do pirouettes barefoot on wet grass), and random bits of combos from past jazz classes. One of the coolest bits was that the thunder never seemed to stop so I had my own weird back up track. Eventually that wasn't enough. No musical theater person (or really anyone I have ever met) can resist singing Singin' in the Rain...in the rain so I did, complete with several refrains of the doo doo doo doos. And then, I saw the rainbow. No, wait...it was a DOUBLE RAINBOW! And so I sung what I knew of that. Loudly. I then danced and sang my own rendition of Let Me Entertain You complete with what I am sure were VERY sexy dance moved. (Heh heh heh.) I didn't strip though. That would be silly. The rain eventually stopped, but I kept on dancing.
Ok, so maybe it was the best moment of my entire summer. Lately I have been sort of angsty. I have had a hard time being alone. Because it is well...lonely. When I'm alone I tend to think about all the stuff I hate about myself and why I suck and why people obviously just pretend to like me and I over analyze every silly little thing I have done around people and everything they have done back and blah blah blah blah blah. But this evening I was alone. And I was happy. A little insane, but happy.
I love to sing. I love to dance. I rock at singing. I suck at dancing. In three years I will rock at singing. And I will rock at dancing. I am so excited for school to start! I just need to remember that I am doing what i do because I LOVE it. I need to dance and sing like nobody is watching and BE MYSELF. I focus so much on all my faults and I forget HOW MUCH I have improved in so many areas of my life.
I danced in front of people and they didn't laugh at me.
I danced in front of people and they did laugh at me...luckily these times were on purpose.
I went from a 2.7 at SUU to a 3.9 at the U!
I have made friends with many WONDERFUL people.
I occasionally manage to talk to boys I like.
Sometimes I wear cute clothes and pull it off.
I just need to look forward and not back. I dwell on the past way too much. But none of that matters. Scars fade and this year is going to be a great year! I just need to dance in the rain, sing my heart out, love the people I love, ignore the people I don't (Kindly...and hopefully with out them noticing) and KEEP MOVING FORWARD. I'm going to be ok. I may even end up being great.
Ok, so maybe it was the best moment of my entire summer. Lately I have been sort of angsty. I have had a hard time being alone. Because it is well...lonely. When I'm alone I tend to think about all the stuff I hate about myself and why I suck and why people obviously just pretend to like me and I over analyze every silly little thing I have done around people and everything they have done back and blah blah blah blah blah. But this evening I was alone. And I was happy. A little insane, but happy.
I love to sing. I love to dance. I rock at singing. I suck at dancing. In three years I will rock at singing. And I will rock at dancing. I am so excited for school to start! I just need to remember that I am doing what i do because I LOVE it. I need to dance and sing like nobody is watching and BE MYSELF. I focus so much on all my faults and I forget HOW MUCH I have improved in so many areas of my life.
I danced in front of people and they didn't laugh at me.
I danced in front of people and they did laugh at me...luckily these times were on purpose.
I went from a 2.7 at SUU to a 3.9 at the U!
I have made friends with many WONDERFUL people.
I occasionally manage to talk to boys I like.
Sometimes I wear cute clothes and pull it off.
I just need to look forward and not back. I dwell on the past way too much. But none of that matters. Scars fade and this year is going to be a great year! I just need to dance in the rain, sing my heart out, love the people I love, ignore the people I don't (Kindly...and hopefully with out them noticing) and KEEP MOVING FORWARD. I'm going to be ok. I may even end up being great.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Ya ya I'm real good at keeping up with stuff.
Hello! Amanda here.
I have decided to write a post! About time, my last one was in...October? Heh heh heh. I can never make myself do anything. This whole month has been me laying about my house doing nothing. Oh and I went to Disney World. I know right, ME? Going to a DISNEY PARK? Crazy.
On Sunday, January 2nd, I thought about how exactly a year ago that day I was sitting on my porch at night, sobbing. I had two very good reasons for this. One was that I was absolutely miserable with my life and the thought of going back to school made me sick. The other reason was that my favorite fictional character had just DIED. Stupid Wilfred. Well this year was not like that at all. Not only was I not dreading going back to school, but I was actually lamenting the fact that I had a whole other week of vacation. Also my happiness is no longer tied in with a British television show.
This year has been crazy so far. I've done things that I never saw myself doing. I actually went to a haunted house and lived. I've actually hung out with people, which is a nice change to sitting at home wishing I was hanging out with people. I've become closer to someone than I ever have with anyone. It was scary, still is, but so far it's been worth it. I've talked to friends about things I've needed help working through, and they helped me. I fell hard for someone. I fell hard trying to do a pirouette. More than once. I wear a leotard. Shudder. I tried belting and my vocal chords are still intact. And I'm going to be in a musical this Spring. I'm double cast in a BEAUTIFUL solo and I'm in two amazing quartets. It's going to be the best musical EVER! Well, at least the best show I've ever been in.
It's been scary. Especially the whole "talking to people and being social" bit. Living vicariously through tv shows is a lot easier. But I don't have to do that anymore. I have my own life. True, Rose Tyler is still my desktop background...c'mon, I can't just magically stop being nerdy. :)
I have decided to write a post! About time, my last one was in...October? Heh heh heh. I can never make myself do anything. This whole month has been me laying about my house doing nothing. Oh and I went to Disney World. I know right, ME? Going to a DISNEY PARK? Crazy.
On Sunday, January 2nd, I thought about how exactly a year ago that day I was sitting on my porch at night, sobbing. I had two very good reasons for this. One was that I was absolutely miserable with my life and the thought of going back to school made me sick. The other reason was that my favorite fictional character had just DIED. Stupid Wilfred. Well this year was not like that at all. Not only was I not dreading going back to school, but I was actually lamenting the fact that I had a whole other week of vacation. Also my happiness is no longer tied in with a British television show.
This year has been crazy so far. I've done things that I never saw myself doing. I actually went to a haunted house and lived. I've actually hung out with people, which is a nice change to sitting at home wishing I was hanging out with people. I've become closer to someone than I ever have with anyone. It was scary, still is, but so far it's been worth it. I've talked to friends about things I've needed help working through, and they helped me. I fell hard for someone. I fell hard trying to do a pirouette. More than once. I wear a leotard. Shudder. I tried belting and my vocal chords are still intact. And I'm going to be in a musical this Spring. I'm double cast in a BEAUTIFUL solo and I'm in two amazing quartets. It's going to be the best musical EVER! Well, at least the best show I've ever been in.
It's been scary. Especially the whole "talking to people and being social" bit. Living vicariously through tv shows is a lot easier. But I don't have to do that anymore. I have my own life. True, Rose Tyler is still my desktop background...c'mon, I can't just magically stop being nerdy. :)
Monday, October 25, 2010
The Bestest of Moments... so far
I can't believe I have been at the U for two months! It really hasn't felt like it. And I'm loving it. So here are a few of my favorite moments.
I've used people's initials, I dunno if it would be a problem to use their names or what have you, but just in case. :)
Free pie with HR.
Walking down the streets of SLC at night doing the cover girl dance with KL and JB followed by Village Inn with AA added to the mix.
The first time I saw TB in his white trash costume followed by my amazing wallflower skills at said white trash party.
The first time HR invited me to her house and then when I realized this was going to be happening more often than not.
Running away and panicking about a bee with ST.
When JB came back to school.
Clue Party!
Unwrapping my birthday present from JWG and seeing that it was a DOCTOR WHO T SHIRT!
Drawing a map of the world in the Union with HR which turned into a picture of a transvestite, the snack that smiles back and a very strangely shaped head with a unibrow.
Having JU as a partner for the statue exercise.
Becoming a Swedish opera singer. Hurdy gurdy Swedish fish.
Getting hugged.
Black tea. Followed by the Giraffe in the Strawberry fiasco as witnessed by SH and HR.
Movie at JB...other JB's house and meeting the CUTEST DOG EVER!
FREAKING out about presenting a ballet combination to my ballet class and actually doing ok.
Making it through Nightmare on 13th with KL and JB.
"I'm your friend!" "THAT'S A LIE!"
I've used people's initials, I dunno if it would be a problem to use their names or what have you, but just in case. :)
Free pie with HR.
Walking down the streets of SLC at night doing the cover girl dance with KL and JB followed by Village Inn with AA added to the mix.
The first time I saw TB in his white trash costume followed by my amazing wallflower skills at said white trash party.
The first time HR invited me to her house and then when I realized this was going to be happening more often than not.
Running away and panicking about a bee with ST.
When JB came back to school.
Clue Party!
Unwrapping my birthday present from JWG and seeing that it was a DOCTOR WHO T SHIRT!
Drawing a map of the world in the Union with HR which turned into a picture of a transvestite, the snack that smiles back and a very strangely shaped head with a unibrow.
Having JU as a partner for the statue exercise.
Becoming a Swedish opera singer. Hurdy gurdy Swedish fish.
Getting hugged.
Black tea. Followed by the Giraffe in the Strawberry fiasco as witnessed by SH and HR.
Movie at JB...other JB's house and meeting the CUTEST DOG EVER!
FREAKING out about presenting a ballet combination to my ballet class and actually doing ok.
Making it through Nightmare on 13th with KL and JB.
"I'm your friend!" "THAT'S A LIE!"
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Way of My Life
Hmmm, haven't bloggededed for a while. I should be reading the Way of the World. But ya know...
The Vox Lumiere Phantom of the Opera show I was in went quite well. Besides walking on stage about three songs early the first performance, of course.
I went to my first haunted house. Me! Whodda thunk it? But I went and I got scared and had a blast. I do believe that it has more to do with the people you go with than the actual scary stuff that makes it fun. And I was with some fantabulous musical theater friends who let me invade their personal space when I got freaked.
I went to Vegas with my family. Good times. I saw Phantom and actually really loved it! I forget that I actually DO like Webber's Phantom of the Opera when I see it done as a whole production. I just forget sometimes as I hate the movie and I hate it when people sing it who...can't. As I was sitting there, watching Christine and Raoul sing All I Ask of You, I thought about how I used to watch that part when I was a wee child and just knew that that was what I wanted to do when I grew up. Having grown up on Phantom and Les Miz, I enjoyed the nostalgia more than anything.
AAAAAnd I found THE BEST store EVER! It's the Bettie Page clothing store. Now, I love Bettie Page (I probably shouldn't know who she is...but I do) and I love 50's style dresses and that's what it was. I found this dress: http://www.bettiepageclothing.com/products/dresses/all-seasons/?productid=132&continueShoppingPage=%2Fproducts%2Fdresses%2Fall-seasons%2F
And I looked GOOD in it. I almost bought it, but didn't want to deal with the crap i would get from my dad. Even my mom and my sister thought it too pricey. Sigh. I should have bought it. Maybe I still will...
Let's see...I saw Angels in America at Salt Lake Acting Company last night. The acting was incredible! I didn't really know what to think of the play itself. I liked it, but I didn't understand it. I think I need to read it AND see the sequel.
Life is pretty good over all. The worst thing that happened was losing my date to the stupid Kappa Barn Dance. Blah, and I was really looking forward to going with him. I do believe I am more upset about this than I thought I was. Oh well, I probably just won't go. And I will find something else to do Friday night.
So yes, that's about it for this week. Laters.
The Vox Lumiere Phantom of the Opera show I was in went quite well. Besides walking on stage about three songs early the first performance, of course.
I went to my first haunted house. Me! Whodda thunk it? But I went and I got scared and had a blast. I do believe that it has more to do with the people you go with than the actual scary stuff that makes it fun. And I was with some fantabulous musical theater friends who let me invade their personal space when I got freaked.
I went to Vegas with my family. Good times. I saw Phantom and actually really loved it! I forget that I actually DO like Webber's Phantom of the Opera when I see it done as a whole production. I just forget sometimes as I hate the movie and I hate it when people sing it who...can't. As I was sitting there, watching Christine and Raoul sing All I Ask of You, I thought about how I used to watch that part when I was a wee child and just knew that that was what I wanted to do when I grew up. Having grown up on Phantom and Les Miz, I enjoyed the nostalgia more than anything.
AAAAAnd I found THE BEST store EVER! It's the Bettie Page clothing store. Now, I love Bettie Page (I probably shouldn't know who she is...but I do) and I love 50's style dresses and that's what it was. I found this dress: http://www.bettiepageclothing.com/products/dresses/all-seasons/?productid=132&continueShoppingPage=%2Fproducts%2Fdresses%2Fall-seasons%2F
And I looked GOOD in it. I almost bought it, but didn't want to deal with the crap i would get from my dad. Even my mom and my sister thought it too pricey. Sigh. I should have bought it. Maybe I still will...
Let's see...I saw Angels in America at Salt Lake Acting Company last night. The acting was incredible! I didn't really know what to think of the play itself. I liked it, but I didn't understand it. I think I need to read it AND see the sequel.
Life is pretty good over all. The worst thing that happened was losing my date to the stupid Kappa Barn Dance. Blah, and I was really looking forward to going with him. I do believe I am more upset about this than I thought I was. Oh well, I probably just won't go. And I will find something else to do Friday night.
So yes, that's about it for this week. Laters.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
A Party (AKA standing awkwardly in the corner)
Last year a day in my life was as follows:
I would rise, usually at about 8:50. I would throw on some clothes, maybe brush my hair and run out the door. I would cross the street and arrive at my first class, music theory, at around 9:06. i would sit through the class staring at the teacher not having a clue what the bloody hell she was talking about. Sometimes I would try and focus and understand, sometimes i would just sit there feeling miserable and hopeless. Then I would go to my Acting class. I would sit and listen to my acting teacher spout out stuff I had read the previous night in out text books. Then to anthropology, which I actually enjoyed very much. And then to choir. And then back to my dorm where I would sit on the Internet until about 2 or 3 AM. yes, AM. All the while thinking about how I should just do my homework but instead putting it off. And off. And off. Then I would wake and roll out of bed. Most of the time. Other days I would just lay there. get up. And get on the Internet.
Basically I never hung out with friends outside my dorm, I rarely did my homework and felt absolutely no self worth or achievement. If it hadn't been for the fact that I had great room mates, I probably would have failed everything.
This year is better. Much, much better. I am actually doing what I love, I have a new close friend who I hang with all the time and my self confidence is growing. Slowly.
Tonight I went to a party. And I realized just how slowly it is growing.
First off, it's amazing that I went at all. I still live at home with very controlling, over protective parents. Ya know the scene in the Little Mermaid where King Triton yells at Ariel and she responds with "I'm 16 years old, I'm not a child anymore."? Replace 16 with 20 and there is my life. It's embarrassing and very frustrating. Somehow though, I convinced my parents to let me go. With the condition that I leave at 11. Yep, the 20 year old has an eleven o'clock curfew.
So I went to the party. And what did I do? I stood in the corner, watching everyone dance. Occasionally I would attempt to move about a bit, but my shyness and insecurity with my body got the better of me.
Now, I must say that I had more fun at this thing than I have had in a very long time. I absolutely LOVE the people hosting it and the peeps who came. I loved watching them dance and be crazy and somehow be amazing while doing it. I just wish I could have joined in more.
I really don't know what to do. Like I said, last year I never hung out with friends. I was so anti-social, and now it feels like I don't know how to be fun. I'm scared to death of people thinking I'm weird, or overbearing or whatever. I've never been someone who has felt the need to fit in with the "cool" crowd, but this is different. I really like these people.
The reason I'm posting this is not to wallow in self pity. I want to be able to look back at this post in a year and see how far I've come. I've already improved a ton this year, but I'm hoping I will be able to branch out even more. I want to be able to dance at parties and have people want to dance with me. Next year I won't be the one standing in the corner.
Now I just need to figure out how.
I would rise, usually at about 8:50. I would throw on some clothes, maybe brush my hair and run out the door. I would cross the street and arrive at my first class, music theory, at around 9:06. i would sit through the class staring at the teacher not having a clue what the bloody hell she was talking about. Sometimes I would try and focus and understand, sometimes i would just sit there feeling miserable and hopeless. Then I would go to my Acting class. I would sit and listen to my acting teacher spout out stuff I had read the previous night in out text books. Then to anthropology, which I actually enjoyed very much. And then to choir. And then back to my dorm where I would sit on the Internet until about 2 or 3 AM. yes, AM. All the while thinking about how I should just do my homework but instead putting it off. And off. And off. Then I would wake and roll out of bed. Most of the time. Other days I would just lay there. get up. And get on the Internet.
Basically I never hung out with friends outside my dorm, I rarely did my homework and felt absolutely no self worth or achievement. If it hadn't been for the fact that I had great room mates, I probably would have failed everything.
This year is better. Much, much better. I am actually doing what I love, I have a new close friend who I hang with all the time and my self confidence is growing. Slowly.
Tonight I went to a party. And I realized just how slowly it is growing.
First off, it's amazing that I went at all. I still live at home with very controlling, over protective parents. Ya know the scene in the Little Mermaid where King Triton yells at Ariel and she responds with "I'm 16 years old, I'm not a child anymore."? Replace 16 with 20 and there is my life. It's embarrassing and very frustrating. Somehow though, I convinced my parents to let me go. With the condition that I leave at 11. Yep, the 20 year old has an eleven o'clock curfew.
So I went to the party. And what did I do? I stood in the corner, watching everyone dance. Occasionally I would attempt to move about a bit, but my shyness and insecurity with my body got the better of me.
Now, I must say that I had more fun at this thing than I have had in a very long time. I absolutely LOVE the people hosting it and the peeps who came. I loved watching them dance and be crazy and somehow be amazing while doing it. I just wish I could have joined in more.
I really don't know what to do. Like I said, last year I never hung out with friends. I was so anti-social, and now it feels like I don't know how to be fun. I'm scared to death of people thinking I'm weird, or overbearing or whatever. I've never been someone who has felt the need to fit in with the "cool" crowd, but this is different. I really like these people.
The reason I'm posting this is not to wallow in self pity. I want to be able to look back at this post in a year and see how far I've come. I've already improved a ton this year, but I'm hoping I will be able to branch out even more. I want to be able to dance at parties and have people want to dance with me. Next year I won't be the one standing in the corner.
Now I just need to figure out how.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Shut Up and let me see your Jazz hands
A few random points:
1. I realize this is my 2nd blog and that makes it two this week. This is to make up for the months and probably years where I will not blog at all.
2. My Chemical Romance released the name of their first single and have titled it "Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)" The title alone brings me great joy. SO excited to buy the cd the day it comes out. Yes, they are still my favorite band.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63lyA42Y6ug&feature=channel
3. Today on the bus I sat next to an older man who I had sat next to before. Last time he talked about how he used to be an actor in Seattle. This time he told me all about why he likes Alaska and Sarah Palin. As I left he told me to pull my pants up. 0_0 Shame, I quite enjoyed listening to him.
4. Dance is killing my soul and self esteem. Today Jazz was AWFUL! When my instructor showed us a new special leg switchy jump thing I just sort of stared blankly and realized I had no idea what the hell she was doing. Then we had a combination. That was...not worse, but not better. 3/4 of the way across the floor and just stopped and walked the rest of the way. Bloody hell. Thank goodness for my new best friend who is helping me out Tuesday and Thursday mornings.
5. I dislike point 4, so I've decided to be more positive and just go for it and fail miserably, but have fun doing it.
6. Why are the people in my program so nice? People like, talk to me. It is incredibly strange. But hey, I could get used to this. :D
7. Berry sherbet is delicious.
1. I realize this is my 2nd blog and that makes it two this week. This is to make up for the months and probably years where I will not blog at all.
2. My Chemical Romance released the name of their first single and have titled it "Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)" The title alone brings me great joy. SO excited to buy the cd the day it comes out. Yes, they are still my favorite band.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63lyA42Y6ug&feature=channel
3. Today on the bus I sat next to an older man who I had sat next to before. Last time he talked about how he used to be an actor in Seattle. This time he told me all about why he likes Alaska and Sarah Palin. As I left he told me to pull my pants up. 0_0 Shame, I quite enjoyed listening to him.
4. Dance is killing my soul and self esteem. Today Jazz was AWFUL! When my instructor showed us a new special leg switchy jump thing I just sort of stared blankly and realized I had no idea what the hell she was doing. Then we had a combination. That was...not worse, but not better. 3/4 of the way across the floor and just stopped and walked the rest of the way. Bloody hell. Thank goodness for my new best friend who is helping me out Tuesday and Thursday mornings.
5. I dislike point 4, so I've decided to be more positive and just go for it and fail miserably, but have fun doing it.
6. Why are the people in my program so nice? People like, talk to me. It is incredibly strange. But hey, I could get used to this. :D
7. Berry sherbet is delicious.
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