Friday, October 21, 2011

Finding My Room

The last three weeks have been completely life changing, as in, I feel like a different person. With out going into to many details, here are some things I learned in the past few weeks. Some may seem obvious to you, but I had never really believed any of these before.
1. I am in charge of my own life.
2. I can fix the way I view myself and the world.
3. I have potential to be whatever the hell I want to be.
4. I am passionate about being in musical theater and want to pursue it more than anything else in the world.
5. My ideas and thoughts matter. And not only do they matter, but they matter more than anything else.
6. I can learn to love myself.
7. My religious beliefs are shaky at best.

The last one scares me. A lot. BUT the past few weeks have shown me that I am smart, thoughtful and capable of figuring stuff out for myself. And I am going to.

Today I started reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. In the preface, my position right now is described PERFECTLY. Religion is described as being a hallway. There are many doors in the hallway and they all represent different religions.

"The hall is a place to wait in, a place from which to try the various doors, not a place to live in... It is true that some people may find they have to wait in the hall for a considerable time, while others feel certain almost at once which door they must knock at. I do not know why there is the difference, but I am sure God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait. When you do get to your room you will find that the long wait has done you some kind of good which you would not have had otherwise. But you must regard it as waiting not as camping. You must keep on praying for light...and begin trying to obey the rules which are common to the whole house. And above all you must be asking which door is the true one; not which pleases you best..."

I know I believe in God (and I believe that God believes in Claude) and I am excited to really start digging deep and figuring stuff out for myself. I have never felt more spiritual than when I read the Chronicles of I figure C.S. Lewis is a good place to start. :)

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Today wasn't the best of days. I had a lot of pent up...something. Energy? Sexual Frustration? Lonliness? Yes. Probably. So, as soon as I heard the thunder outside and realized it was raining, I bolted out my backdoor and just started dancing. Full out, crazy dancing. It started with manic laughing and twirling, but eventually I was doing leaps, pirouettes (as well as you can do pirouettes barefoot on wet grass), and random bits of combos from past jazz classes. One of the coolest bits was that the thunder never seemed to stop so I had my own weird back up track. Eventually that wasn't enough. No musical theater person (or really anyone I have ever met) can resist singing Singin' in the the rain so I did, complete with several refrains of the doo doo doo doos. And then, I saw the rainbow. No, was a DOUBLE RAINBOW! And so I sung what I knew of that. Loudly. I then danced and sang my own rendition of Let Me Entertain You complete with what I am sure were VERY sexy dance moved. (Heh heh heh.) I didn't strip though. That would be silly. The rain eventually stopped, but I kept on dancing.

Ok, so maybe it was the best moment of my entire summer. Lately I have been sort of angsty. I have had a hard time being alone. Because it is well...lonely. When I'm alone I tend to think about all the stuff I hate about myself and why I suck and why people obviously just pretend to like me and I over analyze every silly little thing I have done around people and everything they have done back and blah blah blah blah blah. But this evening I was alone. And I was happy. A little insane, but happy.

I love to sing. I love to dance. I rock at singing. I suck at dancing. In three years I will rock at singing. And I will rock at dancing. I am so excited for school to start! I just need to remember that I am doing what i do because I LOVE it. I need to dance and sing like nobody is watching and BE MYSELF. I focus so much on all my faults and I forget HOW MUCH I have improved in so many areas of my life.

I danced in front of people and they didn't laugh at me.

I danced in front of people and they did laugh at me...luckily these times were on purpose.

I went from a 2.7 at SUU to a 3.9 at the U!

I have made friends with many WONDERFUL people.

I occasionally manage to talk to boys I like.

Sometimes I wear cute clothes and pull it off.

I just need to look forward and not back. I dwell on the past way too much. But none of that matters. Scars fade and this year is going to be a great year! I just need to dance in the rain, sing my heart out, love the people I love, ignore the people I don't (Kindly...and hopefully with out them noticing) and KEEP MOVING FORWARD. I'm going to be ok. I may even end up being great.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Ya ya I'm real good at keeping up with stuff.

Hello! Amanda here.

I have decided to write a post! About time, my last one was in...October? Heh heh heh. I can never make myself do anything. This whole month has been me laying about my house doing nothing. Oh and I went to Disney World. I know right, ME? Going to a DISNEY PARK? Crazy.

On Sunday, January 2nd, I thought about how exactly a year ago that day I was sitting on my porch at night, sobbing. I had two very good reasons for this. One was that I was absolutely miserable with my life and the thought of going back to school made me sick. The other reason was that my favorite fictional character had just DIED. Stupid Wilfred. Well this year was not like that at all. Not only was I not dreading going back to school, but I was actually lamenting the fact that I had a whole other week of vacation. Also my happiness is no longer tied in with a British television show.

This year has been crazy so far. I've done things that I never saw myself doing. I actually went to a haunted house and lived. I've actually hung out with people, which is a nice change to sitting at home wishing I was hanging out with people. I've become closer to someone than I ever have with anyone. It was scary, still is, but so far it's been worth it. I've talked to friends about things I've needed help working through, and they helped me. I fell hard for someone. I fell hard trying to do a pirouette. More than once. I wear a leotard. Shudder. I tried belting and my vocal chords are still intact. And I'm going to be in a musical this Spring. I'm double cast in a BEAUTIFUL solo and I'm in two amazing quartets. It's going to be the best musical EVER! Well, at least the best show I've ever been in.

It's been scary. Especially the whole "talking to people and being social" bit. Living vicariously through tv shows is a lot easier. But I don't have to do that anymore. I have my own life. True, Rose Tyler is still my desktop background...c'mon, I can't just magically stop being nerdy. :)