Last year a day in my life was as follows:
I would rise, usually at about 8:50. I would throw on some clothes, maybe brush my hair and run out the door. I would cross the street and arrive at my first class, music theory, at around 9:06. i would sit through the class staring at the teacher not having a clue what the bloody hell she was talking about. Sometimes I would try and focus and understand, sometimes i would just sit there feeling miserable and hopeless. Then I would go to my Acting class. I would sit and listen to my acting teacher spout out stuff I had read the previous night in out text books. Then to anthropology, which I actually enjoyed very much. And then to choir. And then back to my dorm where I would sit on the Internet until about 2 or 3 AM. yes, AM. All the while thinking about how I should just do my homework but instead putting it off. And off. And off. Then I would wake and roll out of bed. Most of the time. Other days I would just lay there. get up. And get on the Internet.
Basically I never hung out with friends outside my dorm, I rarely did my homework and felt absolutely no self worth or achievement. If it hadn't been for the fact that I had great room mates, I probably would have failed everything.
This year is better. Much, much better. I am actually doing what I love, I have a new close friend who I hang with all the time and my self confidence is growing. Slowly.
Tonight I went to a party. And I realized just how slowly it is growing.
First off, it's amazing that I went at all. I still live at home with very controlling, over protective parents. Ya know the scene in the Little Mermaid where King Triton yells at Ariel and she responds with "I'm 16 years old, I'm not a child anymore."? Replace 16 with 20 and there is my life. It's embarrassing and very frustrating. Somehow though, I convinced my parents to let me go. With the condition that I leave at 11. Yep, the 20 year old has an eleven o'clock curfew.
So I went to the party. And what did I do? I stood in the corner, watching everyone dance. Occasionally I would attempt to move about a bit, but my shyness and insecurity with my body got the better of me.
Now, I must say that I had more fun at this thing than I have had in a very long time. I absolutely LOVE the people hosting it and the peeps who came. I loved watching them dance and be crazy and somehow be amazing while doing it. I just wish I could have joined in more.
I really don't know what to do. Like I said, last year I never hung out with friends. I was so anti-social, and now it feels like I don't know how to be fun. I'm scared to death of people thinking I'm weird, or overbearing or whatever. I've never been someone who has felt the need to fit in with the "cool" crowd, but this is different. I really like these people.
The reason I'm posting this is not to wallow in self pity. I want to be able to look back at this post in a year and see how far I've come. I've already improved a ton this year, but I'm hoping I will be able to branch out even more. I want to be able to dance at parties and have people want to dance with me. Next year I won't be the one standing in the corner.
Now I just need to figure out how.